Spiral Life Blog

Eyes left. Eyes right.

amanda — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 11:23:42 +0000

To a lesser or greater extent we all ‘read’ people’s eyes without knowing how or why -I know I do this a lot and am deeply frustrated by people who talk to me whilst wearing sunglasses!

What I didn’t know about eyes until recently is that their movements to the left and right signal meanings.

Apparently eyes tend to look right when the brain is imagining or creating (right side of the brain), and left when the brain is recalling or remembering (left side of the brain).

Chiefly based on the NLP theory relating to sensory awareness, developed in the 1960s, some interesting and telling observations have been collated, although to make to make conscious use of them does sound rather like hard work:

Signal	Possible meaning(s)	Explanation
looking right (generally)	creating, fabricating, guessing, lying, storytelling	Creating here is basically making things up and saying them. Depending on context this could indicate lying, but in other circumstances, for example, storytelling to a child, this would be perfectly normal. Looking right and down indicates accessing feelings, which again can be a perfectly genuine response or not, depending on the context, and to an extent the person.
looking left (generally)	recalling, remembering, retrieving ‘facts’	Recalling and and then stating ‘facts’ from memory in appropriate context often equates to telling the truth. Whether the ‘facts’ (memories) are correct is another matter. Left downward looking indicates silent self-conversation or self-talk, typically in trying to arrive at a view or decision.
looking right and up	visual imagining, fabrication, lying	Related to imagination and creative (right-side) parts of the brain, this upwards right eye-movement can be a warning sign of fabrication if a person is supposed to be recalling and stating facts.
looking right sideways	imagining sounds	Sideways eye movements are believed to indicate imagining (right) or recalling (left) sounds, which can include for example a person imagining or fabricating what another person has said or could say.
looking right and down	accessing feelings	This is a creative signal but not a fabrication – it can signal that the person is self-questioning their feelings about something. Context particularly- and other signals – are important for interpreting more specific meaning about this signal.
looking left and up	recalling images truthfulness	Related to accessing memory in the brain, rather than creating or imagining. A reassuring sign if signalled when the person is recalling and stating facts.
looking left sideways	recalling or remembering sounds	Looking sideways suggests sounds; looking left suggests recalling or remembering – not fabricating or imagining. This therefore could indicate recalling what has been said by another person.
looking left down	self-talking, rationalizing	Thinking things through by self-talk – concerning an outward view, rather than the inward feelings view indicated by downward right looking.
direct eye contact (when speaking)	honesty – or faked honesty	Direct eye contact is generally regarded as a sign of truthfulness, however practised liars know this and will fake the signal.
direct eye contact (when listening)	attentiveness, interest, attraction	Eyes which stay focused on the speakers eyes, tend to indicate focused interested attention too, which is normally a sign of attraction to the person and/or the subject.
widening eyes	interest, appeal, invitation	Widening the eyes generally signals interest in something or someone, and often invites positive response. Widened eyes with raised eyebrows can otherwise be due to shock, but aside from this, widening eyes represents an opening and welcoming expression. In women especially widened eyes tend to increase attractiveness, which is believed by some body language experts to relate to the eye/face proportions of babies, and the associated signals of attraction and prompting urges to protect and offer love and care, etc.
rubbing eye or eyes	disbelief, upset, or tiredness	Rubbing eyes or one eye can indicate disbelief, as if checking the vision, or upset, in which the action relates to crying, or tiredness, which can be due boredom, not necessarily a need for sleep. If the signal is accompanied by a long pronounced blink, this tends to support the tiredness interpretation.
eye shrug	frustration	An upward roll of the eyes signals frustration or exasperation, as if looking to the heavens for help.
pupils dilated (enlarged)	attraction, desire	The pupil is the black centre of the eye which opens or closes to let in more or less light. Darkness causes pupils to dilate. So too, for some reason does seeing something appealing or attractive. The cause of the attraction depends on the situation. In the case of sexual attraction the effect can be mutual – dilated pupils tend to be more appealing sexually than contracted ones, perhaps because of an instinctive association with darkness, night-time, bedtime, etc., although the origins of this effect are unproven. Resist the temptation to imagine that everyone you see with dilated pupils is sexually attracted to you.
blinking frequently	excitement, pressure	Normal human blink rate is considered to be between six and twenty times a minute, depending on the expert. Significantly more than this is a sign of excitement or pressure. Blink rate can increase to up to a hundred times a minute. Blink rate is not a reliable sign of lying.
eyebrow raising (eyebrow ‘flash’)	greeting, recognition, acknowledgement	Quickly raising and lowering the eyebrows is called an ‘eyebrow flash’. It is a common signal of greeting and acknowledgement, and is perhaps genetically influenced since it is prevalent in monkeys (body language study does not sit entirely happily alongside creationism). Fear and surprise are also signalled by the eyebrow flash, in which case the eyebrows normally remain raised for longer, until the initial shock subsides.
winking	friendly acknowledgement, complicity (e.g., sharing a secret or joke)	Much fuss was made in May 2007 when George W Bush winked at the Queen. The fuss was made because a wink is quite an intimate signal, directed exclusively from one person to another, and is associated with male flirting. It is strange that a non-contact wink can carry more personal implications than a physical handshake, and in many situations more than a kiss on the cheek. A wink is given additional spice if accompanied by a click of the tongue. Not many people can carry it off. Additionally – and this was partly the sense in which Bush used it – a wink can signal a shared joke or secret

So, it is all in the eyes then.

Mid-Life Crisis?

amanda — Wed, 11 Aug 2010 13:08:10 +0000

My own mid-life crisis came at the point at which I realised I was ‘barking up totally the wrong tree’, changed direction and got myself a more fulfilling and happy place in the world of work.

A surprising number of my clients (male and female) come to see me with going through a similar crisis of direction.

Having a crisis at mid-life must surely be a fairly modern concept? I can’t imagine my grandparents experiencing such a ‘thing’, and back in Victorian England reaching 40 was almost certainly a bonus.

I have my own ‘common sense’ theory about why having a midlife crisis has become almost common place these days…

SURVIVAL (i.e. the need for food, water, shelter) is no longer the basis for our ‘get up and go’. Paying the bills; paying for holidays; paying for cars; a new kitchen; an extension; the kids etc etc have taken the place of going to work to earn a ‘crust of bread’ i.e. to eat!

The need to survive has been replaced by the need to meet EXPECTATIONS: expectations we have of ourselves; expectations society has set for us.

Perhaps as we get nearer to the big ‘40’ we begin to feel weary of rushing around simply to fuel our bank balance and to pay the bills? Perhaps that’s when that all-important ‘doom laden’ question surfaces from the depths…

Is this it?

And the answer is of course…

From Primary School up to Secondary School

amanda — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 20:24:48 +0000

The psychological leap from Primary to Secondary Education inevitably causes apprehension for both children and their parents, no more so than when this involves a transition from local village primary school to town-based secondary school.

Here are my top tips to help you to help your child adapt with confidence…….

The journey to school

Try some ‘dummy runs’ up to the school gates. This will help to familiarise your child with the new journey, especially if the school is further from home than previously.

Take a bus to/from the school with him/her. This could be useful if they miss the school bus or decide to stay after school to take part in extended services.

New friends

Enrol your child in summer activities so that they get used to meeting and making new friends. This is particularly important for children who may have had the same friends throughout their primary years, especially so in small rural schools.

Role play how to make simple introductions e.g. Hi. My name’s Ben. What’s your name? Would you like to meet up at break time? Are you joining any of the clubs or teams.

Getting used to schedules

Download a school timetable and help your child to understand how the day is structured into sections.

Let him/her have a try at recording a week of activities on the planner.

Your child needs to get used to the idea that he/she will be moving around the school to attend different lessons with different teachers. Check your child has the necessary time management skills to do this.

Homework

Set up a work area at home for dedicated study time.

Help your child to get used to a variety of research methods (library / internet / dictionaries and encyclopaedias). Provide short, interesting ‘practice assignments’ to help them develop independent research skills.

Independence

Discuss your expectations and communicate openly about changes to independence re: dating/parties/curfews. Better to sort these things out before problems arise!

Communicate any concerns you may have relating to smoking/drug taking/sexual behaviour. Teach your child how to deal with requests and how to say NO when they need to.

Positive Body Language

Help your child to understand the importance of positive body language e.g. how to look confident by ‘walking tall’ and using effective eye contact – this could mean they are less likely to attract negative attention from school bullies.

Build awareness about the different forms of bullying: verbal, psychological and physical. Teach your child to respond assertively when they are being made to feel uncomfortable.

From ‘little pond’ to ‘big pond’…

Moving from ‘the little pond’ to ‘the big pond’ is understandably more worrying for some children than others, but by taking the time to prepare your child, you are ensuring they will have the skills and tools they need, not only for their next school, but for life.

Happy hols!

Amanda

Fear of public speaking can be helped

amanda — Fri, 11 Jun 2010 13:28:51 +0000

Did you know (and I didn’t until I started writing this post) that the fear of speaking in public is known as glossophobia? The word glossophobia in fact comes from the Greek γλῶσσα glōssa, meaning tongue, and φόβος phobos, fear or dread. Makes sense doesn’t it.

And of course many people have this fear. (The stats suggest 3 out of every four people

The physical symptoms (dry mouth, pounding heart, nausea, sweating) result from an adrenal fuelled ‘fight or flight’ reaction.

The verbal symptoms can include tense voice, quivering voice, over use of ‘Umms’ and ‘Ahhs’. Not good – especially when you are trying to create a good impression, which is probably where the panic probably stems from i.e. ‘I can’t afford to look a fool in front of these colleagues/ relatives/parents’’ type thoughts.

There is hope for sufferers though. Yes, you can learn to master your fears, although maybe not eradicate them. (It’s estimated that 95% of all speakers experience some degree of anxiety/nervousness when public speaking).

When I was a young teacher I badly wanted to be able to stand in front of the school to introduce and conclude parent assemblies and admired my colleagues for doing so. At that stage standing in front of 400 children was a ‘walk in the park’ to me – but adults were different.

The fear of public speaking IS one of the most common phobias, but you DON’T need to let it hold you back, as one of my clients describes:

When I first went to see Amanda I was a Personal Trainer who loved one-two-one sessions but dreaded the thought of standing in front of a group and teaching an exercise class. I wanted to feel comfortable and it was important for my career development, so we started by talking a lot about why I didn’t feel confident in these sorts of situations. I then got an invitation to guest speak at Leicester College in their Business Department. In preparation Amanda helped me devise some coping mechanisms, which would get me through the presentation. They worked, I presented to the 40 students, I loved it, it went really well and I felt liberated. It’s been about two months since then and I have been trying to find an opportunity to teach an exercise class, the next step. The opportunity finally came three weeks ago when I taught my first Spinning class. I now have a regular weekly slot. I am by no means perfect, but I think they went well, I enjoyed them and I’m improving with practice. I needed to break the ice and jump in at the deep end and Amanda supported me in doing this, there is still lots of work to do, but she has given me a solid starting point. Thanks Amanda!

When might Life Coaching be a good option?

amanda — Tue, 04 May 2010 21:28:10 +0000

Life Coaching is a professional partnership supporting individuals in improving their lives or one aspect of their lives. It is positive, practical and pro-active.

How do you know when it is appropriate to seek support from a coach?

When you find yourself saying one or more of the following……

I’ve been feeling a bit fed up lately. I don’t seem to be enjoying my job like I used to.
(Work issues)

All I seem to do is work and sleep.
(Lack of work/life balance)

I wish I could get my head straight!
(Confused thinking)

I know I need to do something but I can’t decide what and it’s driving me mad.
(Confusion and lack of focus)

I’d love to be able to do something like that.
(Low confidence)

I always seem to put myself down.
(Low self esteem)

It makes me cross that he/she just seems to get his/her own way all the time.

(Lack of assertiveness)

I’m not sure where I’m headed.
(Lack of direction)

I just can’t get myself into gear to get it sorted.
(Lack of motivation)

I can’t seem to switch off at the moment. Things seem to be getting me down.
(Generalised anxiety)

If you can tick any of the above, it may be worth your while to consider a coaching approach alongside other sources of support.

Amanda

Shift in government policy re mental health

amanda — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 21:17:56 +0000

Paul Farmer, head of Mind, the mental health charity:

“Good mental well-being isn’t just about treatment, it’s also about prevention.

By focusing on the factors that take their toll on our well-being in the first place, we have a chance at achieving better mental health for everyone.”

Depression or anxiety affect one in six people at any given time, but research shows only a quarter of those get medical help.

Why is that?

Fear of disclosing mental health issues?

Fear of losing work and financial stability?

Uncertainty about what help is available?

Feeling that ‘zombifying’ tablets may be the only option?

A dread of ‘letting’ people down, especially family and work mates?

Whatever the reasons – they can’t be ignored – and at last there seems to have been a shift in government policy.

A new 10 year strategy – set out in a series of reports, which were based on recommendations, made by a government-appointed panel of experts – focuses mainly on ways the approach to mental health can be broadened and calls for more emphasis on prevention and early intervention.

In particular, the strategy highlights the importance of helping people back into work to aid recovery from mental illness and prevent it recurring.

The approach incorporates a number of plans:

Employment – A network of coordinators to work with Job Centres to help mental health suffers back into work and dedicated helplines to work with small businesses.

GPs – To be encouraged to do more to intervene early.

Schools – Counselling services to be rolled out to start educating children about the issue.

Sounds promising? Given that employment plays such an important role in many of our lives it needs to be.

Of course we need to work to keep pace with our ever-increasing financial commitments – but work is about much more than that:

It’s about feeling we have value and worth; it’s about making a contribution to society; it’s about widening our social networks; it’s about recognition of our skills, knowledge and experience; it’s about affording a decent quality of life etc.

I know that people who are stressed at work are more likely to become physically and emotionally exhausted and to fall prey to illness.

I know that people who are forced to take time off by illness (physical or emotional) find their confidence and self-esteem soon begin to ebb away.

I know that coaching/counselling has a key role in helping people to assess their stress levels at work and to take action to reduce them.

I know that seeking a coach can get people back to work following a period of illness.

Follow the link below for some useful information of how you can look after your own mental health.

http://www.mhf.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-action-week-2010

Overcoming Shyness

amanda — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 19:50:43 +0000

I now realise that when I was young, shy and busy worrying about everything – especially what other people thought about me – other people (some of them friends and some family) didn’t really ‘give a monkey’ and were too busy enjoying themselves to consider how I might be feeling.

As I reached puberty I became excruciatingly quiet and fearful. I walked behind my mother most of the time so that when we met people we knew, she took the lead in conversations and I would smile and nod appropriately. I used to look up from ‘under my fringe’ (a look I now associate with Princess Diana) and speak in a small mousy voice, if at all.

It seems I wasted a lot of time worrying needlessly but, fortunately for me, I somehow managed to change…..

I realised, gradually and painfully, (the details of which I will not venture into) that I had two clear choices: – adopt a more positive outlook to life and actively promote myself to others; or risk a life of underused potential, unhappiness and regret.

I did not want to become a resentful and envious person with little self-respect (I know people like that), so I set about learning how to become more confident.

In doing so I lost my fear of many things, including people.

I have realised over the years that we are all the sum of what we make of ourselves. We do not need to become the sum of what people make of us.

What other people make of us is none of their business!

Finding a Life Coach

amanda — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 19:50:48 +0000

Finding a suitable life coach can be hard and many people feel they need more information before choosing their coach.

I’m noticing an increase in the number of sites that offer help with this process, and in fact I added my details to one such site a few months back after rejecting a few others as ‘unsatisfactory’.

More recently I was approached by The Life Coach Directory (www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk) and encouraged to check out the information they were offering.

My first priority when I view any site seeking to feature my business, is to check on its professionalism and integrity (as far as is ever possible on the net).

I was impressed for the following reasons:

The directory only lists qualified/registered Life Coaches.

Every member on the site must submit a copy of their qualifications and insurance cover or must be registered with a recognised professional body.

Each coach has their own profile, which lists information about their training, qualifications, approach, fees and location.

As well as this, the website has a wealth of information including areas that life coaching can help with and articles written by life coaches listed on the site.

I would be interested to find out whether this site (and others similar) are actually achieving their objective to help those in need to find a suitable coach.

Helpful? Not helpful?

I would appreciate feedback.

Amanda